Step One: Find a box with a hole

Step Two: Put your stuff in a box. Step Three: Move your box to Las Vegas, NV. That, for all you Dick in a Box lovers out there.

I have been offered a job with LVMPD and the process has begun to figure out how to move the family cross country. In case you don't know the family is my husband, our daughter, 3 cats and a bad case of the crabs. Hmm, scratch that last part. And no, not literally.

I am actually enjoying the logistics and have made a comprehensive list in Excel of all the different things we need to do before we go. I finally hired carpet cleaners, took the blinds to get repaired and had my dad fix a million things around the house that needed work. Like 8 months ago needed work. I am hoping we will talk with a realtor in the next week and get the house up for sale very soon. Of course, the house needs to sell, for a great price but only when we are exactly ready to move out. I wonder what the odds are of that happening?

The sad part has not kicked in yet. I am not sure when it will but I know it is out there somewhere. Waiting to sneak up on me and kick me in the boob. I can only hope I have made the right decision and all those people (you know who you are) that love me will come visit and visit regularly. We will always have a guest room for you. And the strippers you bring home.

Christmas hangover

We just finished our last Christmas celebration last night. Yes, some jackass thought that the Wednesday after Christmas is a good choice for holiday get togethers. Now, if my cousin is reading this I want to clarify that I don't really think you are a jackass and I greatly appreciated your hospitality and you have a lovely home. Moving on. Wednesday. An hour's drive from my house one way. Christmas has a way of just beating me down. And maybe it is just because I have been nursing a cold for 34 days but I don't think so. Family can be so...draining.

I realize I sound like the Grinch and I must say I have lots of love for most of my family. I just don't need to see all of them in the same weekend. I don't need to watch my husband get hostile because there is no "plan" for serving the food at the dinner table. I also don't need a mini lecture from my father-in-law about the importance of traditions and how new people just need to "come into the fold"* is how I think he put it. Yes, my 14 month old daughter should really get her act together so we can do Christmas Eve services at 11:00 p.m. How thoughtless of her. And then there are the extended family, the people I struggle to find any common interest with so we can fake conversation for at least 5 minutes. It is HARD.

I would like to say that there were many lovely moments and I was happy to get the chance to see people. I also enjoyed the ridiculous amount of food and the opportunity to show off my cute kid. Since I have no idea what the holidays will be like next year I will try and focus on the positives and move forward.

I hope you all (yes, this means Melissa and Lori) had a wonderful holiday and have a Happy New Year.

*My apologies for over use of quotations.

3 Days and Counting

In 3 days it is very possible that my life will be altered greatly. No, I am not getting a new haircut. I am waiting to hear from an official hiring board whether or not I have the "right stuff" to join their police department. I am 32 years old and possibly embarking on a career and life change. I would have to move with my family to Las Vegas, NV. I would have to endure 6 months of Academy training that nothing so far in my life has prepared me for. The military is about rules, respect, following orders, shining boots, cleaning guns, RUNNING A LOT. And did I mention people yelling at you all the time if you are not doing all of those things just right? I am not sure I was made to exist in a world like that. However, I am 99% sure I can survive that world to get to the part that I really want.

I guess I am just excited and nervous about what might happen. The possibility of failure is always looming. Or just the possibility that maybe I was wrong and not made to be a cop. What if I accept this job and move 1755 miles across country leaving almost everything I have ever known and I am wrong? I know it is important to take risks and follow your dreams. But like my esteemed brother in law said, what if I am a "day late and dollar short"? My dreams are bigger than just me now. They include my daughter and my husband. I am taking steps that will alter their lives.

Ok, enough gloom and doom! I rolled the dice and the chips are going to fall wherever the hell they want. And frankly, don't most chips belong in Vegas anyway?

Turkey with a side of awkward

For Thanksgiving we traveled to my parent's home in Gaylord for the long weekend. On Saturday we drove another 2 hours across the bridge to Sault Ste. Marie, MI to visit my grandparents that I have not seen in about 9 years. Did I also mention my "sperm donor" was there? This would not be the father of my daughter but rather my biological father that I have also not seen in 9 years and probably another 16 years before that one meeting. The story is not a new one. Boy and girl meet and fall in love. They get married and have a baby. And then they wake up one day and realize it just doesn't work. Frankly, I don't actually know what happened between my mom and Craig. I don't think that is a topic that warms her heart so if I have asked in the past I have forgotten the answer. And now I don't much see the point in asking. My mom remarried when I was little and my dad adopted me when I was 5. Sperm donor relinquished his parental rights along with his financial responsibility to me. On a very important side note my father is a wonderful man and I am very blessed that he is in my life. He taught me how to throw a ball and the importance of doing what you love.

Moving on to now. I was a bit nervous about meeting up with this part of my family since it had been so long. And also because I just don't see how they fit into my life anymore. Mostly the sperm donor. I have a father so I am not sure what role Craig is expecting to fill.

My grandparents place has not changed much since I was last there so many years ago. It is a large stone house on a farm with a dilapitated barn that sits on the river that leads out to Lake Nicolet. My grandfather and I used to fish that lake when I was little. He is not doing well. I will not see him in this life time again. That was very hard to take but it made me happy that we had come.

The meeting lasted a few hours and it was mostly painless. My favorite part was when Craig gave Maddie a gift of what he kept calling a stuffed dog. This thing was NOT a dog. It was definitely a horse. And when he went to pull the tag off the "dog" to give it to Maddie I saw the words Dog Toy written on it. So while it was a very nice gesture on his part he did, in fact, buy my daughter a dog toy. With a squeaker.

House of urine

One of my THREE cats pissed on the leather chair and carpet last night. Apparently he needed to go that very second and minutes before i had shut the door to his litterbox so the kid wouldn't plummet down the basement stairs. That was the 3rd bodily function of the day that I had to clean up. First, the expected dirty diaper. Followed by the unexpected cat vomit in two places in my living room. And finally, the cat pee. Maddie's diaper in the mornings smells like my hamster cage used to when I was a kid. I wouldn't clean it for days on end and the urine would just accumulate in the corners of the cage and would reek. Cat pee is a whole other smell. And I swear I did a good job of cleaning it off the chair and out of the carpet but I am still convinced the whole house smells like piss and that it will never go away. Ever. I will try and sell my house in 3 years and all the buyers will say that they cannot live in a house of urine. My friends will stop calling and coming over. The mailman will find a reason to always deliver the mail two houses down. Eventually I will just give in to the urine and will have all the toilets removed, the litter boxes thrown out and stop buying diapers. And maybe I will hit the pet stores to stock up on hamsters.

Peanut turns 1

Dear Maddie,

You celebrated your 1st birthday this past weekend. I know all parents say it goes by so fast and I won't lie, it really does. But that doesn't mean there weren't some very, very slow moments as well. One I remember vividly. The night when you woke up to breastfeed and would not go back to sleep no matter what. Your daddy was sleeping upstairs to avoid being disturbed. I finally reached a point where I lost my mind and ran into the living room and turned on the overhead lights and started screaming his name. I feel badly about that now because I think he almost pooped himself in fear of what was happening. At the time I just felt PISSED. And at the end of my rope. Luckily, no one was harmed and he did an excellent job of tending to you. He also gently suggested next time I might try waking him up earlier to help out and using less frightening methods.

I am in awe of how much you have grown over the past year. Some things really snuck up on me. For the first time you waved at someone on Sunday. Open and close hand. I can't actually be sure it is a wave and not the quack motion I make when imitating a duck. Let's go with the wave theory. You are crawling all over the place and pull up on everything and everyone. You also have a knack for kicking your dad in the balls. A lot. And like the juvenile 8 year old I am mentally, I giggle every time. You can spot the smallest piece of dirt, poop, fuzz, dust ever seen by human eyes and will pop it into your mouth. I have been laid back about this but do wonder if it will have any serious health reprecussions in the future. Possibly a hair ball when you are 6?

Your great grandmother told me to use a spoon when feeding you at your party. Most likely the potatoes called for a spoon. But as soon as she opened her mouth I just wanted to start feeding you everything under the sun that you definitely need a spoon for. Ice cream, pudding, soup, anything just to spite her. I realize it wasn't very mature of me but she did mutter something about "raising a dog". You have a wonderful extended family.

Your daddy and I love you very much. So much we are going to Mexico for 6 days and leaving you. We will miss you but you are in great hands with Aunt Lori and your grandparents. Please be kind to them.

Love, mama

Will work for krispy cremes

To start off with, there is an enormous amount of pressure to either be amusing, touching or at the very least offensive when writing a blog. I am not sure I can deliver any of these things. What I can do is tell you that the inventor of the donut, specifically the Krispy Creme donut is a god among gods. I can feel my teeth rotting out of my head as I type but it is all worth it.

I was able to get this little piece of heaven this morning while waiting for my dermatologist to fit me into his schedule. You can't help but look around the waiting room and wonder what secret weirdness people are hiding under their clothes. Scales? A mole the size of Nebraska? A burning need to Botox out a few forehead wrinkles? I, sadly, didn't see anything very exciting but did enjoy getting hit on by my doctor. He is mildly attractive so I was not repulsed but his lines might need some work. As he examined my arm and my rash (nothing catchy thank you) and I mentioned how unattractive it was he smoothly said "nothing can look bad on you" or something smarmy like that. I wonder if he really thought through what that means. If I came in with sores oozing goo would he still find my arm so delectable? I might try and catch something festering so I can head back and see.